DIGITAL LIFE

3 Ways A ‘Digital Detox’ Could Save Your Relationship—By A Psychologist

How often do you lay in bed scrolling on your phone with your partner only inches away from you, doing the very same thing? Absorbed by whatever’s happening on your separate screens, you may not even realize that you’ve spent hours next to one another without having shared a word. Sure, you may be sharing the same space, but you might as well be lightyears apart.

For many of us, our phones have become an extension of our bodies; we keep them very close at all times, as we rely on them for both entertainment and communication. However, in turn, our phones become somewhat of a third wheel in our relationships—or, worse yet, our partners become third wheels in our relationships with our phones.

But, with a “digital detox,” you’ll have the opportunity to realize how much technology can interfere with your relationship—as well as how much more time you could be spending with your partner.

Here are three ways digital detoxing can benefit your love life.

1. ‘Digital Detoxing’ Prevents Evolutionary Mismatching...The science of human bonding has its roots in survival. As a 2019 study from Perspectives on Psychological Science explains, the acts of self-disclosure (sharing personal information) and responsiveness (responding supportively) have been integral to our survival.

Early humans used these behaviors to build trust and cooperation within small family groups; it cemented the bonds that ensured survival. This bonding is well-captured in attachment theory—which explains how close, supportive relationships have always been essential to both our physical and emotional well-being.

In modern times, however, these instincts sometimes get misdirected. We now have tools like smartphones, which tap into our deep-rooted need to connect—but across vast networks and often with random strangers on the internet, rather than with the living, breathing person who shares our immediate space. When we’re glued to our screens, the instinct to disclose and respond no longer serves our most important relationships. Instead, it pulls our attention from our partners and redirects it elsewhere; this leads to an “evolutionary mismatch,” where we invest less in face-to-face connection.

However, a digital detox—that is, vowing to significantly reduce or completely cut out screen time from your day for a set period of time—can assist in refocusing your bond where it matters most. By taking this break from screens and social media, you’ll be able to understand just how much your devices dilute quality time with your partner. Without the constant pull of social media notifications or email reminders, you might find yourself more drawn to your partner and more easily able to reconnect.

The simple act of being present without the interference of a screen can be profoundly refreshing, as it can remind you of what truly matters. With each small moment of connection, the chemistry that initially drew you two together will likely strengthen—and, it should deepen as you find that you no longer need the “fix” of your phone.

2. Digital Detoxing Prevents ‘Phubbing’...“Phubbing,” or “phone snubbing,” refers to the extent to which we use or are distracted by our phones while in the company of our partner—and its negative effects on relationships are well-documented. A 2016 study published in Computers in Human Behavior notes how significantly phubbing erodes relationship satisfaction and heightens conflict over phone use. When one partner frequently prioritizes their phone, the other often feels devalued and less important—which may result in ongoing tension or resentment in the relationship.

As the authors of the study explain, “With their constant beeping, bells, vibrations and whistles, cell phones are like the petulant child who will not behave until he or she gets what they want.” They conclude, “The desire of our cell phone is to be constantly attended to. Cell phones demand our attention and, as the present research finds, can undermine our satisfaction with our romantic relationships.”

These inferences are blunt, but accurate: phones are constantly nagging for our attention, and more often than we’d like to admit, we comply. By giving in to our devices’ demands, we may be sending an unintentional message to our partner: that they’re not our top priority, even if we don’t actually feel this way.

But, taking a digital detox puts you back in control and re-establishes your priorities. A temporary break from your phone’s demands gives you the mental space to consciously choose connection over distraction. During this period, you might realize just how much you habitually turn to your phone when feeling bored or anxious—and start seeing the value in turning toward your partner instead.

Without the “petulant child” of constant notifications, you can actively choose to nurture your relationship. Beyond the prevention of phubbing alone, a detox affords you the time to establish a new norm, assuring both parties in the relationship feel valued, heard and prioritized. Over time, you’ll likely be surprised at how much you come to appreciate the distraction-free moments with your partner—and see how much those moments mean to them as well.

3. ‘Digital Detoxing’ Narrows Empathy Gaps...Unsurprisingly, findings from a 2018 study from Frontiers in Psychology suggest that excessive screen time can erode empathy—arguably the most key skill for picking up on a partner’s emotional cues, understanding their feelings and responding sensitively. Despite how much of a buzzword empathy has become, it’s nevertheless a genuine skill that requires attention and practice—one that diminishes when too much time is spent on our devices.

Excessive screen time has a way of diverting our attention and energy away from the people around us. Not only do phones act as a physical barrier between partners, but they also risk putting up emotional ones, too. The habit of scrolling through social media or reading messages often creates a kind of tunnel vision—which draws us further from our partners.

This effect can create what psychologists refer to as an “empathy gap,” where we feel less inclined or able to understand and respond to our partner’s emotional needs. Instead of picking up on their subtle cues or even asking about their day, we tune out—sometimes unwittingly—and synchronicity weakens.

Thankfully, digital detoxing offers partners the chance to restore this essential connection. Without the ever-present lure of a screen, you’re better positioned to notice and respond to your partner’s emotions. In the quiet moments of the detox, where you’re fully present, you may find that you’re more in tune with your partner’s body language, mood or small bids for connection.

This renewed sensitivity will supplement your capacity for empathy. Once the detox period is over, you’ll be more likely to recognize when your partner needs attention or understanding—and you’ll also be quicker to put your phone down to offer it. And, just as importantly, you’ll find it easier to enjoy these moments of genuine, offline connection that are so integral to your love life.

Are you guilty of snubbing your partner in favor of your phone? Take this science-backed test, and find out if you have a “phubbing” problem: Phubbing Scale

Reporter: Mark Travers